I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
