i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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