shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
