Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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