i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
