News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
