Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
