even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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