your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I believe in your delicious
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
