I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
