My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
