i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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