Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize