I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We are all done wearing pants today
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
