Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
