there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
