Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am available for nakedness
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
