I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize