Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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