My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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