i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
