Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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