I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
