Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
