So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
