I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
