I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
