there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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