You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
