Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
