best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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