Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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