You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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