Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
