I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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