drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
