You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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