is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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