She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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