Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
