anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
