worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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