Rock
Scissors
Fuck
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
