She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
