Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I AM VODKA MAN
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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