So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
