i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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