summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
