Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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