I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
