If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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