you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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