Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
