She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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