Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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