My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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