just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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