ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
