2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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