i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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