True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
