I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
