You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
