I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize