Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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