It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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