I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
